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5 Ways to be the Most Narcissistic Boss Ever

Not sure where to start in building some solid team hatred? These 5 easy tips will definitely put you on the right path.

Take credit for everything.

Except the failures, of course. Blame those on your team. Or even better, blame them on individual members of your team to make sure they don’t get too confident and full of themselves.

But everything else? Yeah, that was all you, baby. Even the stuff your team accomplished while you were on vacation or traveling to that conference out of state. Because your brilliance is so great that they couldn’t have done it without you at the top.

Turn people against each other.

It is always dangerous when a team grows too united. If you let the monkeys trust each other they might band against you. So keep them off balance. Make them think a co-worker is gunning for their job. Drop hints that someone they thought was a friend is actually talking behind their back. You know, just basic doubt-sowing.

Make sure that everyone on the team feels that YOU are their safe zone, but that they can’t trust the guy at the desk next to them. That way you retain power over their small minds.

Rewrite the minutes after the vote.

Who’s really going to remember the nuances of what was voted at committee meetings, anyway? If it didn’t go exactly how you wanted it, adjust your secretary’s notes to suit your plans as team leader before sending out the minutes. Better yet, wait until the minutes have been sent out and approved by the team, then edit the file before saving it so that there’s no questions later.

If anyone asks you about it, remind them that you are the boss and all the responsibility falls on you to make things happen around here, so it’s not their problem.

Constantly change up assignments/duties.

Don’t bother with minor details like maximizing your team’s strengths, or worrying about which of your monkeys is better at which type of work. Just randomly assign duties to whomever is standing closest to you when you’re thinking about it. Or give it to whomever is prettiest. That works too.

Later, take the assignment away before the job is done and put someone else on it. Don’t give explanations or reasons. If anyone questions your authority, remind them that you’re the only one who can see the big picture. You’re the boss so it’s your call.

Drop last minute rush jobs on your team. All. The. Time.

Planning ahead is for sissies. If you always stick to a timeline, your team will get complacent and lazy. Mix it up — often. If your team somehow tricks you into getting a timeline established for the jobs they are working on, let them keep their illusions for a week or two and then drop some huge last-minute rush jobs on them.

Tell your team to shelve their current duties in order to accomplish their rush jobs, and then criticize them later for not keeping up with what they were originally working on. When they remind you that you had told them to put normal duties on pause, act like they are being manipulative and showing lack of dedication.

If your goal is to make your team united in their desire to leave, or maybe even wish they were dead, these are guaranteed to foster deep loathing and make you a common enemy.