The way we communicate has a lot to do with our attachment style, which was formed early in our development. This style also plays a critical role in how we approach, interact, respond and react to our partner as we attempt to resolve conflict. This can be a good or a not-so-good thing depending on our individual styles. Understanding your own attachment style will provide a window into your vulnerabilities and strengths within the relationships in your life.
Our model of attachment influences how we get our needs met and the process in which we go about getting our needs met in relationships. Ironically, unless you know your attachment style, people often find partners that confirm our models – meaning if we grew up with an insecure attachment pattern, we will often seek out in an attempt to duplicate similar patterns as adults. We do this even though these relationships are unhealthy and often hurt us.
For example, meet Michael and Susan**
Michael and Susan have been together for 7 years. When they first met, Susan had a dismissive and avoidant style. She recognized that she could - at times - easily detach from others and had a tendency to avoid intimacy. She wanted to change this but knew it would take some significant work and introspection on her part. Her parents were never emotionally available – but available in other ways. Their divorce also had an impact on her life; as a result, she had a tendency to 'check out' in her relationships and appear somewhat complacent. However, that is not how she felt - that was just how she coped. Susan carried this same style through much of her adult life. It wasn't until she met Michael that she realized her relationship pattern and made changes so that she could create a healthier relationship with him. Michael on the other hand, was a secure person and provided the environment and the 'space' to help her grow. He challenged her when something came up and was able to communicate with her in such a way that made her feel safe - safe enough to acknowledge her vulnerabilities while simultaneously learning how to open up and feel more secure in their relationship.
What’s your style?
1. Anxious.
A person with an anxious attachment will feel insecure about their partner’s feelings and feel unsafe in the relationship. They become clingy and demanding. Because anxious people bond quickly, they don't take the time to assess if their partner can meet their needs. They jump right in! They tend to see the 'we' and what they share in common, idealize their partner, and overlook potential issues. If their partner acts independent, they will interpret this as they are leaving and affirm their fears. For example, if their partner is interacting with other people, they might interpret this as ‘they don’t love me.’ They are anxious about the relationship, where it is, where it is going. Because relationships have some uncertainty about them, this often gets interpreted as unstable, which encourages more anxiety in the anxious person.
2. Anxious/preoccupied.
A person with this type of attachment will feel that, in order to get their needs met, they will have to be with that person all the time for the sake of reassurance. To support this theory, they actually choose a person who is isolated and hard to be with, which only reinforces their belief. They often feel ‘desperate in relationships and have an ‘emotional hunger’ (Firestone). They look to their partner to rescue or complete them (Firestone). Their sense of safety is through clinging to their partner.
3. Dismissive/Avoidant.
A person with this type of attachment style is dismissive and distant. They appear emotionally detached. They feel the way to get your needs met is to act as though you don’t have any needs. A person with this style will choose a partner who is more demanding or possessive. People with this style tend to lead inward lives; they deny the importance of connection, of others, can easily detach and shut down emotionally (Firestone).
4. Fearful Avoidant.
A person with this attachment style lives in a place of ambivalence – unsure and afraid of being too close or too distant from others. They try and keep their feelings at bay, but this ultimately becomes too arduous. Because they are unable to avoid their anxiety or run from their feelings, they are emotionally overwhelmed and experience emotional storms. They often live in an ambivalent state in which they are afraid of being too close to
or too distant from others. They attempt to keep their feelings at bay but are unable to. Their relationships are rocky or dramatic. They have fears of abandonment, but also with being intimate (Firestone).
5. Secure.
When a person has a secure attachment style, they are confident and are able to navigate and interact with others. They are can meet their own needs as well as others. Parents understand what a baby needs and are able to provide it. They are highly attuned to their needs. They are more satisfied in their relationships and feel secure and connected. They can move more freely in relationships. Secure people are able to reassure their partners and provide support in times of distress and can equally go to their partner when they feel distressed.